2023 In Deep Reflection

Getting off the hedonic treadmill.

It’s been well over a month since my last post. I want to say it’s because I was off the grid, finding myself or building something big I can now share. But, honestly, it was just the weight of my insular reality that kept me away. It’s sometimes hard to squeeze more writing when you write for a living. Taking ten units of statistics and research methods pummeled my brain. And, when you have two kids under 5, it’s often hard to do anything at all, but make sure there’s always a box of Annie’s Shells n’ Cheese in the cabinet.

But after a couple of fallow months, I have work now. I am afforded the great privilege and opportunity to learn and grow in a way I never thought possible. My family is healthy and safe (and loud enough to remind me most hours of the day). For all of that, I am very grateful (and tired).

Gratitude is important. A large body of research has confirmed that expressions and practices of gratitude lead to increased well-being and life satisfaction. One such exercise is reflection, which naturally happens at the end of the year. But, studies show that for you to get your mileage out of reflection, it has to be a DEEP reflection. I’m not talking about reflection that leads to musing, wistfulness, or even light nostalgia. Intentional, focused reflection can lead to a level of gratitude that can knock you off the hedonic treadmill.

(I’m paying a lot for my positive psychology education, so indulge me. If it’s a big reason I’ve taken an absence from writing, let me at least bring a souvenir back to you.)

The hedonic treadmill, also known as hedonic adaptation, is the observed tendency of humans to quickly return to a relatively stable level of happiness despite major positive or negative events or life changes. So, getting a promotion and raise gives you a nice serotonin hit, but eventually, you adapt to your new role and income until it becomes your new normal. If you lose your job, it pulls you below your starting point, but this is only temporary. Most people end up settling back into their own personal baseline over time. Always breaking even is pretty dissatisfying. I suspect it’s where we get the old adage, “Life’s a bitch, and then you die.”

Of course, some people are predisposed to better or worse coping mechanisms. However, the right interventions can change that individual point of neutrality in well-being. In other words, you can permanently increase your own overall happiness and well-being. Of course, practicing gratitude is just one way to feel happier.

2023 was a toughy for many people (some much more than others), including myself. It was the type of year that forced your mind to dissociate within itself a bit, wandering into the old memory bank to pull out the greatest hits selectively. I wish I could go back to… Things would be much easier/happier/nicer if I could just…

But we can’t go back in time. After thinking more about the idea of the hedonic treadmill, I want to challenge myself to move forward in 2024 and find a way to go UP, even if I’m carrying a backpack of bricks.

So, straddling a tipping point in the construct we created called TIME, I choose deep reflection and gratitude in five major areas of my life: work, school, friendships, parenting, and marriage.

Work

I started this year with a full-time job that I loved. After three years of hustling as a freelancer, the stability was a relief––especially with two small kids––and in this role, I didn’t need to compromise my autonomy, creativity, or ability to progress to have it. Jackpot! However, organizations change, and soon, what started as a great fit for a full-time role became part-time work, which quickly turned into no-time work. At the urging of my good friend, a heavy-hitting executive recruiter, I’ll leave it at that. It doesn’t really matter how or why it ended, but I would be lying if I didn’t admit how much this set me back emotionally and financially. I was pulled way below my baseline of happiness.

I was right back where I had been a year prior, only now without the steady momentum of clients and projects I had spent years cultivating. As someone whose default is extreme self-sufficiency at all costs, I felt angry and stupid for opening myself up to dependence on a company for my livelihood. How silly I felt for letting myself relax for just one damn minute.

And, of course, this came at an inopportune time when my husband had also recently been let go from his stable job. We felt… le fücked.

Though this felt like a major blow, it did not knock me down in the way it might have earlier in my career, and for that, I am very grateful. I know not to keep things too personal, and I have enough confidence in my abilities not to let this setback snuff out my fire. So I started applying for jobs, an utterly demoralizing exercise in today’s automated job market, and networking my little buns off.

After a couple of stressful months and a few generous family loans later, work is picking up for both of us again— no thanks to applying for jobs, mind you. I’m relieved to be hustling. Grateful to be lighting up the entrepreneurial fire again. I look at the list of solid clients I’m currently working with, and I’m overwhelmed but so grateful.

School

I’m currently on a break from school, and WOW, I forgot what a real winter break feels like. I still have “work” work, but my brain is not taxed in the same way it is for schoolwork. I know how to do my work. It’s easy for me. I know it inside and out. My brain is a bit on autopilot, especially compared to school. Learning is exhausting!

I just completed what I anticipate will be my hardest semester in graduate school. I took ten credits of research methods and statistics––two core subjects I pushed a whole year so as not to terrorize myself into quitting the program.

It was so much content. SO MUCH CONTENT. The amount of information I consumed and drilled into my brain in four months is shocking. In August, I had never taken a statistics class. In fact, I never made it past pre-calculus. Now, I can look at the statistical analysis output and tell you what it means. I can run my own analysis using statistical software. That’s insane. As someone who always thought, “I’m bad at math,” I feel proud of how hard I worked to understand the material and change my narrative about my own capabilities.

Report Card:

Statistics Module A: A

Statistics Module B: B+

Research Methods: A-

I’ll be honest; I’m frustrated about that B+, even though it’s high. It’s my first B in three semesters, and I busted my ass in that class. I know it’s still a good grade. The syllabus says that a B is “mastery of the content” and denotes “proficiency” in the subject matter. But, I wanted the “beyond mastery of content” and “insightful” that comes with an A. I know that “grades don’t matter,” but I don’t know anyone who went through grad school and wasn’t fixated on getting all As. It’s a big, intentional choice to go to graduate school. Every credit and every dollar counts. Grades matter. It’s different from striving for a solid GPA in high school and college. You aren’t in a herd race for valedictorian. Competing against only your personal best is tough.

But I’m really proud of how well I did on top of working, freaking out about NOT working, and parenting. Every week, for each test, I truly think I might fail. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever taken on––aside from keeping two children alive. And luckily, I have another semester of statistics to make it up to myself.

I’m looking forward to finally being able to start digging into the coursework specific to positive organizational psychology. I’m very excited about it––if only to not feel so much like a fish out of water like I have in evaluation, statistics, and research methods, completely foreign concepts for me. I know organizations! I still feel far away from pivoting my career, but I am content with learning at my own speed. I plan to bring more of my studies into this space next year.

Friendship

My friends live in my phone. My social life is inside my phone. They’re in years-long text chains, emails, Slack, Instagram DMs, FaceTimes. At any given point in the day, I could be engaged in five conversations. It’s not how I’d like it to be, but it is my reality. There are only so many hours in the day, and there aren’t usually many left for cultivating relationships outside my home, IRL. So, multitasking friendships in the phone will have to be made due for now.

As this year has progressed, the kids have gotten older, and I’ve found a rhythm of balancing everything I’ve stuffed into the sack that is my life; I’ve been able to venture outside the confines of my tiny pocket computer. I’ve seen plays, had dinners, and spent time important therapeutic hours at my favorite place: THE MALL.

As much as I’ve always lived online to some degree, seeing my real friends in real life has been nice. Though, I must admit, My Gemini-ness hates how much planning it takes to see a friend. I long for last-minute brunches, concerts, and even coveted trips to Target with special “errand friends.” I’m bored by calendar invites, Doodles, and negotiations with time. Nothing knocks the wind out of an evening of drinks with a pal than two months of rescheduling.

But, I have to resign myself to the season of the phone. A lot of people knock it, and for good reason. It will erode your brain in many ways. But it’s most of what I’ve got, and it’s doing a damn good job of keeping me connected and supported. And for that, I am thankful. I will try to stop dropping it ten times a day next year. It contains my social life and thousands of photos of my kids.

Parenting

As I approach the two-year anniversary of parenting two kids, life continues to be an exercise of holding two diametrically opposed truths simultaneously. Feeling impossibly full and dreadfully empty. Completely overwhelmed and stiflingly bored. Over in a blink, and neverending.

All around, it’s getting easier. I’m starting to see glimmers of the reassurance veteran parents have given me for two years, “Don’t worry. They’ll entertain each other!” Sometimes, for fifteen minutes at a time… they do! Until one of them cries, of course.

My daughter will join her brother at preschool in less than two months, and I know having full-time care for both children will change so much about our daily life, rhythm, and stress in a positive way. My son will head off to elementary school for TK in less than a year, and things will shift again. She’s bolting from babyhood, and he’s sprinting into early childhood. I can never keep up, but I’m somehow always ready for the next phase.

I’m not a baby person. Even after having two of my own, I have no desire to hold anyone else’s baby. They’re fine. So, as my babies become not babies, I enjoy parenting so much more now that they’re people. My daughter is determined, has such a distinct sense of silliness, and offers endless affection. My son is constantly creating—singing, imagining, performing, drawing—very loudly. Both of them so loudly. They are cool. Parenting is very cool, despite the financial stress and friends inside the phone, etc etc. It’s like getting on a rollercoaster for the foreseeable future.

Always busy. Never relaxing. Always changing. Never moving fast enough. Always tired. Never enough time. Always stained. Never clean. Always distracted. Never present. So so cute. So so annoying. Always growing. But also never ending regressions.

Every second of every day, scarcity and abundance hold hands to carry me through the day.

Always grateful. Always thankful. Never take it for granted. But sometimes, take it for granted.

Marriage

In 2023, my marriage fell to the bottom of the priority list. This sounds like a terrible thing. And, while it’s not great, I’ve realized what a testament it is to our relationship. When push comes to shove, we know that our relationship is so strong it can withstand us all but completely ignoring it for months (and years?). We still like each other. We still love each other. We truly don’t have time for each other. And that’s ok!

We put in YEARS of work, made countless memories, and withstood so many challenges that we built enough equity to get us through a few scant years when childcare, career advancements, money making, and individual growth needed to take center stage.

We never sat down to design such a plan; we put our heads down and got to work filling the hours of the day with responsibility. When we looked up, it was clear that when any time outside work and childcare could be spared, we instinctually prioritized and made space for individual goals over our marriage––which isn’t as selfish as it sounds. We know that in the long run, we are both people who can’t be good partners, friends, and parents unless that part of ourselves is well-fed and protected. And boy did we do some big things as individuals this year! (You can see more of

Jacob Reed

’s stuff on his newsletter.) None of it would have been possible without temporarily sacrificing a piece of our marriage for the cause.

I, for one, respect the hell out of us for that! Cheers to 12 years together and six years married. We know what works for us, and for that, I am grateful.

It’s not easy to avoid the hedonic treadmill. Most people never know they were on it in the first place. Good shit surprises you. Bad shit happens. Eventually, we all return to baseline, always a little dissatisfied. I personally don’t believe it’s possible to avoid it entirely. I look at it more like nirvana, a point you’re forever trying to reach and never will. But hopefully, with a little reflection and much more gratitude, I can inch a little closer every year.