In my twenties and early thirties, Fridays were spent meticulously planning the weekend (and corresponding outfits) with friends over Gchat, while we all counted the hours until 5pm at our respective desks. Fancy dinners, dive bars, birthday parties, brunches, hikes, sample sales, comedy shows, craft fairs, farmers’ markets, concerts and movies. Weekends were jam packed with fun, relaxation, and spending money frivolously. When Sunday afternoon waned into evening, the reality that Monday loomed heavy over take-out and TV.
The early days of new parenthood seamlessly bled into pandemic haze. Maternity leave evolved into an erratic freelance work life that molded itself around baby naps. Every day was exactly the same as the next. There were no weekdays or weekends –– just days and nights. There was everything and nothingness at the same time.
After two years of parenting an infant turned toddler, most of which was during the pandemic, our son was finally old enough to go to preschool. We’d had childcare support from our nanny for about a year, but it wasn’t nearly enough, and mostly we all still occupied the same space even when we weren’t responsible for watching him. There was no separation between all aspects of life. Time passed through a series of meals, clean ups, loads of laundry, playtime, and filling in every crack in the day with trying to meet deadlines.
Until school! It has been life changing to have our son in preschool, especially as we’ve incrementally worked our way to having him out of the house on a 9-5pm, Monday through Friday schedule. Even though my husband and I still spend most of our days working from home, it feels like a fog has been lifted. We’re free to move about the cabin in a new way. Our time is suddenly our own again. It’s nice to miss your kid all day.
But, on the weekends, it’s just us. And, since Omicron –– “just us” means our family of three, just like the deep pandemic days. On Friday evenings, my husband and I usually order food in, watch a TV show and feel a pit sink into our stomach. What are we going to do with him for two whole days by ourselves? How will we get our work done? Where can we go? Who can we safely see?
Having an unvaccinated child, and with me so close to my due date, we’ve decided to limit our risk to preschool –– our most important resource. Most days it feels stupid to be this cautious. But, then we remember how stupid we’d really feel if either my husband or I tested positive and I’d have to deliver our baby alone –– per our hospital’s policy.
It feels triggering to be in this place again, holed up in our house, spinning our wheels with random chores, small outings, and changing locations around the house until nap time and bedtime –– when we take advantage of his sleep to clean up, get work done, or even just sit down. Only, it feels worse this time. We’ve had a taste of freedom. We’ve seen what life could look like on the weekends. Now, I’m just angry and resentful of being confined.
I know as time goes by, I’ll forget my frustrations and remember this time as mostly sweet. Those last weeks when we were a family of three, spending hours together in our tiny home. I’ll remember them, even though my son won’t. Strange to think that he will not have real memories without his sibling. So, I feel like I need to hold them extra tight for both of us, even if it feels like I can’t carry another fucking thing.
You could argue that it’s temporary, and it sort of is. But, once I have the baby, we’ll enter another form of lockdown –– postpartum. You can’t really go anywhere with a newborn. Recovering from birth requires weeks on the couch. And, entertaining visitors right now demands a lot of rapid tests and even more risk mitigation (if it’s even possible).
Clearly my Scaries extend beyond the weekend. Can you blame me?!
I also don’t get the sense that this reversal of dreading the weekends rather than the work week is limited to parents. Weekends haven’t felt the same for two years –– for anyone. Even if you’re not living as seriously risk adverse as I am now (and I wish my circumstances didn’t require it), we’re all a little on edge and still not living our fullest lives. Eating in restaurants and visiting large public places like flea markets, indoor concerts, and movie theaters have all become fraught with risk mitigation, rapid tests, masks, questions, lingering fears, and leaps of faith.
In so many ways, the weekdays seem easier now –– at least for me. Many of us are still mostly working at home, kids are in school, and we get to depend on routine with minimal social demands. Like a freaky funhouse mirror, the weekend has become a time when you need to turn your brain on, rather than off, to figure out how to relax and socialize comfortably within the confines of a rollercoaster of pandemic restrictions that change week to week.
So, here I am. Friday Scaries in full effect –– especially since today was my last day working before my very short maternity leave. I logged out of all my Slack channels and email accounts just to sit here waiting to go into labor. Waiting for my life to be turned upside down. Waiting for both more of the same, and everything new. Mostly, waiting for one long endless weekend ahead of me.
And waiting, for anything really, is kind of scary.
As a father of a 3-year old and a 10 month old, (my wife and I both work remotely), this piece is so accurate, so true, and reflects the reality of the situation, the last 2 years of the pandemic - both challenges and blessings - so well. We navigated pregnancy and birth all before vaccines. Thank you Heather for sharing - I feel like you shadowed our family for a month before writing this piece, haha.
And once you welcome baby #2 into the home, there will be even more laughter, love, screaming, crying, and just all around stuff! Hope everything goes safe and smoothly.
Winter makes the weekends so much worse, especially here in the midwest where you might get 60 degree weather on Tuesday and 30 degree weather on Saturday and Sunday (like this weekend). You can't take your kid out to the mall to run out energy, and even though Benji's already had COVID once, I'm hesitant to take him out on too many Target runs.
Sending all the good vibes that the next few weeks go as well as they can and that hopefully we'll all get some good news in April about those three-dose vaccines.