Hi friendos!
Between studying for a big statistics final (done) AND a midterm for research methods (Monday), I’ve been trying to hustle for work, keep the kids alive, and muster the strength to finish an excruciatingly boring season of Love Is Blind.
This week on my mind…
A job application to nowhere.
I’ve been killing what (??) and texting pics to my dad.
The most cheating cheat sheet ever.
Singing For My Supper 🎶
I’ve started doing the thing where I apply to any and all jobs that seem like a fit on LinkedIn because I’m panicking. In case you’ve not been here in a while––I need work! Tell all your friends, and your friend’s friends in high places. Here’s my portfolio and LinkedIn.
Typically, I steer away from applications that require an original writing sample, especially those that ask for one in ADDITION to a cover letter. I have specific feelings about creating work for free just for the chance to beg for a fifteen-minute phone screen. But, occasionally I will bite if the role or company looks particularly worthwhile. Or, if I have a really fun idea for the writing prompt provided.
This week, both things were true for one job application, from which I will likely not hear back because that’s the job market, folks! So, in an effort to make myself feel better for spending 45 minutes on a writing assignment headed straight for the spam folder, I present it to you here!
This was the prompt:
Write a 500-word email about a healthy habit you have in your life and why you think we should try it. Write it conversationally, in a way that really makes us want to implement it TOMORROW.
All I wrote in the body of the email was, “I sincerely hope you enjoy satire.”
*Ahem…*
Studies Show That This New Healthy Habit Will Change Your Life
Do you often find yourself waking up too rested? Are you bored by a mundane routine of leisurely rising by morning’s first light, engaging in a light social media scroll, and listening to a podcast of your choice while enjoying a cup of coffee? Is moving at your own pace slowing you down?
Healthy habits can be challenging to adopt, but I’m here to tell you about a tactic that will leave you no choice but to accept and integrate it into your life.
I’m talking about being woken up out of a deep REM cycle by the sound of a screaming toddler at 5:30 a.m.
Yes, it’s true. You can finally turn off that annoying phone alarm, which gently awakens you with the sound of Tibetan monastery wind chimes. No more having to mindlessly lie in bed, diligently thinking about your schedule, daydreaming about an upcoming trip to Hawaii––or really anything at all.
Allowing a small human, who is undergoing giant leaps in physical and cognitive development, into your home can do wonders for your health and well-being. Repressing your own physiological and emotional needs for the sake of keeping a toddler quiet can lead to amazing health benefits like:
Gastro-intestinal issues
Increased anxiety
Symptoms of depression
Uncontrollable crying
Loss of appetite
Reduction in social obligations
Existential dread
Insomnia
Like adopting any new healthy habit, the real key is consistency. It’s not enough to have a toddler scream you out of a pleasant dream and into the cold early morning on one or two occasions, or even a few times a week. To really see the benefits, it’s important to be woken into heart-palpitating panic every single day. The nice thing is, it doesn’t matter if they napped the day before, or for how long, or even if they consumed enough calories. Toddlers will provide this output regardless of input.
I know what you’re thinking. It is an enormous privilege to have a toddler wake you from a lovely dream and into a cold sweat. Some might even call it a “blessing.” And, I would have to agree. Not everyone has a developmentally volatile, 2.5-foot human lying around the house irreparably mushing cereal bars into the carpet. I completely understand!
Modern technology can solve this dilemma. As they say, there is an app for that, and AI is quickly learning how to mimic the high-decibel sounds that were previously only found in early childhood development. Soon, anyone will have easy access to this life-changing experience.
In fact, one recent study reported that 95 percent of mothers who tried this new healthy habit “felt like death, but grateful,” while fathers saw a significant decrease in their ability to remember a coworker’s name for an entire day, but all felt, “it was worth it.”
Don’t sleep on waking up tired, frazzled, and hanging onto your last nerve. The invigorating effects of waking up to a screaming toddler will be instantaneous and felt throughout your entire body. Most importantly, it will feel sooooo rewarding.
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