How to Have It All-ish
Hello, I'm not dead!
Final grades for the semester were posted last week––solid A’s in all three classes.
Ok, one A-, but the TA was out to get me, I swear.
I’ve never taken more than eight units at a time in my two-and-a-half years of graduate school. This semester, I took 12. Right before the school year commenced, I also signed my paperwork for a full-time offer at the creative agency where I had been freelancing for almost a year. For those of you keeping track at home, my life looked like this:
I’ve juggled three full-time roles for the past four months, so this newsletter has gone dark. I don’t pretend to think anyone noticed my absence, and I’m not upset about it!
After hearing the laundry list of obligations in my life, I’m often asked how I possibly do it ALL, and to that, I say––I don’t fully know. I DO know that I don’t always manage it very well. Oftentimes, I found myself scrambling to hit a work deadline while trying to pay attention in class or pushing a client deliverable until the very last minute to wrap up a research paper. More nights than I’d care to admit, I’ve become easily frustrated and loud with my children as I anxiously watch their bedtime push later, meaning less time to finish work before my eyelids grow too heavy. I haven’t been able to do school drop off or pick up as much as I (or my kids would like). At the end of the day, I successfully kept all the pots on the stove, but at least one was usually spilling over at any given time.
Those are only the pots I was actively stirring. A few remained on the back burner, simmering for months––like my health, marriage, friendships, and this newsletter. Thanks to coffee, Sudafed, group texts, DMs, memes, occasional dinners, dates, and a solid foundation built over the years, I kept them all alive enough at the root. It’s all okay. It’s soup season, I guess. And by that, I mean fuck it and throw everything in the one big pot and hope for something comforting in the end.
But, as this is also prime reflection season, I thought my simultaneous triumphant return to the newsletter and end-of-the-year close would best be used trying to verbalize the HOW of it all. It’s a helpful reminder of the tools and resources that serve me and perhaps equally insightful for you.
HOW TO HAVE IT ALL-ISH
Be A Little Delusional
You can't think too much about it when making big decisions, saying yes too much, or taking a risk. You'll never do it if you get bogged down by how much work, grit, and stress it will surely be. If you make big moves, the universe falls in line if you’re confident about the choice. Case in point: when I became pregnant with my first child, we lived in an apartment, and my husband was jobless. By the time he was born, we had bought and moved into our house (THANK YOU FAMILY), and Jacob was contracted as a segment director on Jimmy Kimmel Live. When I was pregnant a second time, I applied for graduate school in a genuinely delulu move.
A year later, Jacob and I both lost our jobs, and shit got real, but we’re still here. We still have a house. The kids are happy and clueless. Eventually, I found a great job I love, and I’m still on track to finish the master’s part of my graduate journey in spring. Jacob may not have found his footing in entertainment after the strikes, but he was able to reconnect with his art and became prolific in other ways. (Follow
if you want to see how!) Like so many people I know, we’re still a bit strapped financially and carrying more debt than we’re comfortable with, but the wheel of fortune is bound to come back around for me soon enough.
If you want to do something, do it. Don’t wait for the right time or conditions. They don’t exist, and it’s precarious at best if they do. The winds are wont to change at the most inconvenient times. The worst thing is you hate it, quit, gain clarity, or get less attention in other areas. The best-case scenario is that you thrive, exceed your expectations, feel completely capable, and better understand what is actually important.
Don’t think! Just do!
Know Your Stress
Stress gets an awful wrap, and I get it. It’s not great. Too much exposure to cortisol and other stress hormones can disrupt almost all the body's processes. At its peak, it can cause burnout or worse. But stress can be good. It can propel you forward, push you to perform well, and force you into new situations you may not have otherwise found yourself. On the surface, my life is one big rubber band ball of stress––and it kind of is. But, if you zoom in and examine each part, not all of my stress is equal. My friend,
, wrote about how stress can even be a driving force in a meaningful life if you want a deeper dive on the topic. This figure from my organizational behavior textbook this past semester helped me compartmentalize my stressors and realize that while there were many, only a few are hindrances. For the most part, my stress is a good kind of stress! Understanding that what I was experiencing contributed to my growth, not a mental breakdown, helped keep me calm and motivated and maintain a positive attitude.
Objectively, I DO a lot. Remember what I just said one thumb-scroll ago? Don’t think, just do. Research shows that being active during stressful situations can help by giving a sense of control, distracting from the stress, or releasing built-up energy. The main idea is that taking action is often a better way to cope with stress than staying passive. Thinking gets you nowhere. Inertia would suggest that an object will remain in motion, meaning that even if you’ve gone in the wrong direction, it won’t be challenging to course-correct once you move.
It’s also important to know thyself. Studies also suggest that personality traits, cumulative history with stress (past and present), contextual factors, and more contribute to how you (personally) deal with stress. Don’t look at how anyone else handles life because their experience and stress tolerance differ. Not everyone will thrive as a spider-verse meme, and that’s OKAY! Some people need naps. Some people need breaks. Take your naps. Set your boundaries. Only take on what serves you, and know how much you can and want to be challenged to meet your goals.
Don’t Do It Alone
One of the most significant contributors to success is possessing grit––the blend of passion and perseverance that keeps individuals focused on their goals despite challenges. It is a stronger predictor of success than talent or intelligence, enabling people to overcome obstacles and achieve their ambitions. According to the mother of grit, Angela Duckworth, anyone can develop grit by focusing on four key traits: interest, practice, purpose, and hope.
I pause for this non-sequitur because you can be the grittiest motherf*cker around, but if you don’t have the proper support system helping clear the path, the chances of meeting your goals are slim. You can only bypass so many obstacles on the road alone. You don’t just need an accountability partner. You must assemble a team of Avenger-level support to reach for the stars. You need someone in literally every corner of your life. You should see a coach who’s got your back everywhere you look.
At home, I have Jacob. I could not accomplish anything without my supportive husband, who not only physically corrals the children when I need to study or meet a deadline but also serves as a professional sounding board. His input always helps me get my work done and execute it at a higher level. Unexpectedly, my five-year-old son has become one of my biggest cheerleaders. He thinks I’m great and frequently tells me how proud he is of me. He says I’m the best, and I choose to believe him!
I also have the most supportive team at work. I had been contracted at my agency for about nine months when a new department head was hired. During our first one-on-one, he asked me, “Would you be interested in a full-time role?”
“I have two small children, and I am pursuing a master’s and Ph.D. degree that requires in-person classes. If that doesn’t scare you, I’m all in.”
He didn’t even blink. I work at a great organization with progressive leadership that values my and my fellow teammate’s contributions and creative output above all else, which is a big reason I can get through every day.
Autonomy in how my work is completed ✔️
Ability to improve, learn, and execute at a high level ✔️
Amazing relationships ✔️
That’s all you need to be (mostly) happy at work.
And though I don't have much time to see friends in person like I (or any of us) used to, I’ve been grateful for text threads that have kept momentum for years and DMs that hold endless cat videos, which can sometimes express more than words––a sentiment I realize I’ve repeated for the past few years.
I have understanding and equally busy friends, and I’m grateful to have my cup filled up almost every day through digital mediums––even if it’s just a few drops. It’s no replacement for an intimate dinner or impromptu day of window shopping, but it counts––perhaps even more so in this soupy season of life.
Lastly, something I learned from the ultimate overachiever, Morgan DeBaun (co-founder of Blavity), when helping edit her upcoming book “Rewrite Your Rules” last year (go preorder!) is to outsource support. Get a cleaning person. Order groceries through InstaCart when you need them. You cannot do it all, so hire people to help when and how you can.
If you lack this support, start cultivating relationships to help carry the load and create ample space to do your thing––even as you figure out what that thing is. You won’t be able to have an aha moment with room to let it reveal itself.
However, this requires knowing when and how to ask for help, which I’ve become much better at in the past few years. No one is a mind reader; waiting for someone to notice you need assistance is futile and will only result in broken expectations. People want you to succeed, so let them help you do it!
Don’t Focus On The Map
Lastly, I’ll leave you with the adage of “baby steps.” Pursuing a Ph.D. is not for the faint of anything, which is why less than 2% of the population holds this high academic degree. Introducing new knowledge into your chosen field is rigorous, to say the least. It typically takes 4-8 years to complete and involves many requirements.
“That’s so much,” is the typical response from someone when I lay out the journey.
It is! But I rarely think about everything I need to be doing. At the onset of the semester, if you remember, I was given the syllabus for each class. One nice thing about school is that you know everything expected of you four months in advance. With work, you’re lucky if you get a week’s notice on anything. It overwhelmed me to see every exam, research paper, and project I would need to accomplish alongside my full-time client work and, you know, THOSE KIDS!
While occasionally revisiting my vision, I stopped looking too far ahead daily. I knew what the big picture for the semester looked like, but I rarely took out the map to look at it all at once. Instead, I focused on the week. What needed to be done today? What was just up ahead, but not too far in advance?
I didn’t worry about deciding on my thesis topic; I focused on finishing the reading for my next class. I wasn’t bogged down by my next promotion but rather by what project needed attention that day. As much as I wanted to plan a getaway with Jacob, I tried to find time to watch TV together. I tried not to research summer camp options but concentrated on ensuring he remembered to bring his lunchbox home from school.
Staying small and steady is the way to achieve big things over time––a theme I find myself revisiting in writing this newsletter.
So, here I am: very small, very steady, and very focused on the present. My best advice for having it all-ish is to try only having a little bit of it at a time and savoring every crumb along the way.
Amazing post! thank you